My anxiety has been off the charts for the entirety of the day, and I decided I wanted to try and rectify that. Or at least help myself a little bit.

Something that always, always helps me feel like myself is going to go look at books. I don’t always have to leave with a book, but just going and looking at them, maybe reading parts, has always made me feel like me. I say “made me feel like me” because I’m actively keeping a list of everything that makes me feel more connected to myself, so I can discover who I am.

This time, though, I had a few books in mind that I wanted to get. Honestly, going to the book store, I couldn’t even remember the names of the books but I knew that I’d recognize them if I saw them.

I did recognize one of them, which I was excited about. The first book I picked out is Eight Dates by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. The second one that I grabbed for myself but didn’t know beforehand is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

In my typical way, I sat down and read the first book cover to cover as soon as I got home. I got a lot out of it, honestly. And I feel a lot more confident going forward and navigating the complexities of relationships, and the one I have in particular. Yeah, it’s complicated. But it’s not ruined. It just needs some work. Work is okay, work is healthy. No one is going to be perfect, and it’s unreasonable to expect a relationship to be perfect or amazing without putting any work in. Life just doesn’t work like that. Fairytales aren’t accidental, they come with work and commitment.

As I said, I only finished Eight Dates, and haven’t gotten to the other one yet. So, I just plan to share some of the stuff I found in Eight Dates that I thought was important, and something that I wanted to practice, or some other feeling or thought I had around it.

Look, before I get into this, I just want to say: I am absolutely not an expert. I’ve only read a couple books on love, and the reason I’m speaking in this manner as if I know it all is because I literally just read this one today. And it’s all fresh in my mind. But boy did I really internalize it. I want to put it all to practice.

To begin, one thing that I gathered throughout reading this book was that problems are going to come up regardless of who you’re dating. There is no such thing as a perfect partner, because we are not perfect ourselves. But the point of it all is love, honestly. Loving someone enough to be like, hey, I know everything sucks and is chaotic, but let’s get through this. And, I know things are in limbo and everything is confusing, but I want you, and I want to work on things and take it slow. Let’s get to know each other again. Weirdly enough, the more simple the words, and clear cut the words, the more impactful they are. It doesn’t take a whole lot of words, but maybe the same words over and over.

It’s less about the problems, and more about choosing this person over and over, because you love them. A willingness to make things perfect together, instead of expecting things to be perfect with minimal work. Love is not everything, yes, but love is the most important starting point. Choose love, choose each other, and then the work comes with that.

One of the most unrealistic expectations I had with love is that it was always sunshine and rainbows (pun not intended, but it is always rainbows for me). But I’m constantly looking for something perfect, something that isn’t going to ever crash. And when things crash, I doubt everything. I doubt myself, I doubt them, I doubt us. There is so much doubt.

But what I didn’t realize is that this is normal. This is normal, it is so common, and every single relationship hits a breaking point at some point in time. Everyone hits a point where they’re like, crap, did I make a mistake? Am I where I’m supposed to be? Or maybe it sounds like, I don’t know if I’m making the right decision. What if they’re not right for me? The trick is not to constantly think about all the things that your partner is lacking, but instead, to remind yourself why you fell in love with them in the first place. The areas where they are lacking, can improve. As long as they want those things to improve, and they put a conscious effort going forward.

Sometimes, all it takes is for us to seriously be at risk of losing someone, for both of us to realize how precious the other is, and how precious the relationship is. Then, the hard work comes. And you’re rebuilding and growing and helping yourselves and each other through this tumultuous period of time. There’s never a lack of love, there’s more of a lack of understanding, effort, and choosing each other.

It’s like that quote you always hear, “the grass is greener where you water it.” It’s not greener on the other side. Unless, obviously, you’re dealing with issues of abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, and whatnot. Then maybe it is. But if those things aren’t in question, it’s a matter of how much water are you both using on the grass? You clearly love each other, so let’s make the effort match the feelings.

Reading this book, I had some major takeaways. And I had some major realizations about myself, all of which I’ll get into later. But there was a lot of good that I got out of this, and a lot that made me uncomfortable because I had to confront where I was lacking.

So, let’s start. I’m just going to roll in order of the book, cover to cover, what I picked up.

So what does true commitment mean? The most obvious meaning is that we resist possibilities with other people. We’re faithful sexually and faithful emotionally to our partner. We maintain boundaries in our relationships.

Obviously, this is a huge part of any relationship. Commitment, trust, and boundaries. First two are for your own relationship, and the latter is for your relationship, but also for other people outside of it. If you’re constantly worried your partner is looking at other people, what does that say about your safety, and your ability to be emotionally vulnerable, or even sexually vulnerable? It makes those things a lot harder.

… what makes relationships work is the decision to make them work. There is one step that cascades toward all betrayals. It often happens when things aren’t going well in the relationship. That step is making negative comparisons of our partner with other real or imagined alternative relationship partners. We call these “Negative Comps.” Rather than nurturing gratitude for what we have with our partner, we nurture resentment for what’s missing. When something is bothering us about our partner, rather than talking this over to get our needs met within the relationship, we fantasize about another relationship and how we might receive what is missing from our current relationship with this fantasy partner. These Negative Comps become a dangerous way of dealing with our negative feelings within the relationship.

Okay, ouch. But they’re right. First, relationships work when you make the decision to make them work. The point about betrayal is about not making the decision to make the relationship work. Not going through things together. I feel like this quote is self-explanatory, and says a lot that I don’t need to explain. I feel like it would just be redundant, so I’ll leave this one here.

But, right after this, they talked about Alice in Wonderland. She jumped, two feet first after a rabbit came along and told her to join. She had no idea where she was going, but she did it anyway and ended up going on an insane adventure. That’s kind of what relationships are, right? An insane adventure that you’re not really sure what’s next, but you’re going through the adventure together. And it can be dangerous at points but it can also be just as equally exciting. Anyway, Alice didn’t wait around for another rabbit, thinking, there’s probably a better one on its way right now. She decided to follow this rabbit.

Here’s another quote from that segment:

It’s an adventure, and Alice doesn’t know what’s in store for her, but she jumps in anyway. Alice doesn’t hesitate or think maybe a better rabbit will come along tomorrow. She feels in her heart that she’s embarking on a profound journey and that, despite the difficulties, it’s still magical and amazing. Alice doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment.

Alice’s journey wasn’t easy. She cried rather a lot. But she still went on one of the most fantastic adventures. I think of a relationship like that. I’m here, I’m ready for the adventure.

Commitment is actually built on thinking and then communicating to one’s partner that he or she is precious, and not replaceable. In one’s mind, as well as in communication, we build commitment by nurturing our gratitude in what we have with our partner. We think to ourselves that no one can hold a candle to our partner, and in our mind we magnify the positive qualities our partner has and minimize the negative qualities. We think and communicate that no one out there – real or imagined – can compare with our partner.

We have our flaws, each and every one of us. We all have things we’re working on changing, things we want differently in our lives and relationships. The important thing that I took from this is that everyone has this. No matter who you meet, what you do, everyone is experiencing this, and no matter who you’re with, you’ll experience that with them too.

Everyone loves to feel cherished. I know I do. I want to know that no one compares to me, I want to know how amazing and loving and caring and whatever else that I am. Tell me those things. I want to feel like no one can hold a candle to me.

Here’s the very next paragraph:

On the other hand, betrayal is nurtured by communicating to one’s partner that he or she is lacking certain qualities we simply cannot do without, and therefore is highly replaceable. In one’s mind, as well in communication, we build betrayal by nurturing resentment for what is missing in our partner. We think to ourselves that many people can easily hold a candle to our partner, and in our mind we magnify the negative qualities our partner has and we minimize the positive qualities. We think and communicate that other people out there – real or imagined – can easily compare with, and even outdo, our partner.

This part resonated with me a lot, unfortunately. I felt like in my relationships, I was constantly competing with someone who did or did not exist. There was always the threat of leaving. It took on such a heavy area in my heart that I began to doubt myself, and my value. Were there really so many things wrong with me? Am I failing in life, because these people don’t see the value in me, and view me as replaceable? Am I really that replaceable?

It’s been such a hard thing to go through over the years. It’s the hardest when it is someone you truly love, and someone that you have such a connection with and there is a safe and deep love for each other.

Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more. if you genuinely seek understanding of your partner’s position, you can create a deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, through any disagreement.

I like this part about conflict because of how true it is. Conflict really can bring two people closer together. Especially when that conflict is navigated in a healthy way, and sorted through, you can be brought incredibly close.

There is always another option. You just have to choose it, honestly. Conflict doesn’t have to destroy a relationship. As long as you make the conflict the enemy, and not each other, I think you’re halfway there.

Another key way to keep passion flowing is to express your fondness and affection and appreciation of each other verbally. You can’t just think positive things about your partner, you need to verbalize them to your partner. Appreciate their efforts, their attractiveness, their intelligence, their work, their skills, their sense of humor, and whatever else about them you love and admire. The Love Lab found that successful relationships have a 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative in all their everyday interactions in the apartment lab. This means for every one time you roll your eyes at something your partner says and does, you need to counteract this with 20 positive responses and reactions.

Ooooh, I liked this one. I’m someone who thrives off of words of affirmation. I want to hear these things all the time, I want to feel loved by words just as much as by action. In fact, words are normally more important to me. Words of affirmation are probably my greatest love language. I need to get those things to feel cherished and secure.

I like the idea of the 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. You screw up? Drop down and give me 20. I screwed up? Guess who is doing or saying 20 nice things to you. Making up for the hurt is just as important as apologizing for it.

Our lives and relationships are better, brighter, and more fun when we remember to play, when we inject some adventure.

This chapter made me kind of emotional. I’ve forgotten how to play, and I’ve been recently remembering how. I read this chapter a few times, and since I always had a hard time of coming up with ways to “play,” it actually brought me to tears when the next few pages just contained a massive list of ideas. All of which I want to try. Every single one.

One of the big myths in relationships is that you need to have similar ideas about what constitutes as fun and adventure to have a successful relationship. Of course it’s fine if you do, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t. The most important thing is to find all of the ways you can to play together and support each other in your separate adventures.

Obviously, I’m still learning what play looks like to me and what it means to me. But I’m so excited to explore it. I want it for myself. And I think this is important, that we realize that you and your partner may have different ideas of play, but what actually matters is finding that middle ground, and discovering ways you can play together while still supporting the ways that they enjoy playing.

Balance, I think. A good balance. But always remembering to play. I’ve been so stuck up in my own world that I’ve forgotten how to play. But you know what, I’m learning and exploring and figuring out what I like to do for play. And you know what? That’s a form of play in itself, and it is so, so fun.

Play isn’t just about being with each other, it’s about connecting with each other. When we play together as couples, we’re developing our trust and intimacy. Just as play is how children learn to cooperate, play also creates cooperation in adult relationships. Whether you’re flying a kite, taking a hike, or playing a board game – when you play together you’re creating shared meaning and shared fun, and this in turn deepens the intimacy and connection you have with each other.

I know we crave that connection, because it has been verbalized. But the issue was that we never actually stuck to it. We just talked and talked, and talking is great but there was no action. I want to find that action, because I crave that connection. And we connect in a lot of other areas, but I want us to really connect in this one, because it’s so important.

And building that only comes with practice. Going out and doing fun things, not sticking to the mundane, but really getting the best out of life and each other.

Of course, it’s great to have nights in. Actually, it’s important to. But the trick is finding a healthy balance and finding that middle ground where you can have both, do both, and have that deeper connection.

Finding that comes with nothing but practice, trial and error, and attempt after attempt. Each time becomes easier, each time you grow closer, learn more about each other, and discover something new and something fun. Overall? You just have fun, that’s the bottom line. That’s the most important thing I think.

Going more into play, this part is what I really liked, and what I especially wanted to focus on. I’m someone who needs things spelled out, and thank goodness this book spelled it out for me. I’d like to model what I learned here:

A relationship without play is a relationship without humor, without flirting, without games, and without fantasy. We all need humor, laughter, and play. Romance is play. Banter is play. Taking a walk is play. You don’t have to join a sports league or carve out large amounts of free time in your week. You just have to bring a spirit of play into whatever you are doing. Play needs to be a priority. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that after all the work is done, then you will play together. it won’t happen. If it feels foreign at first, then schedule play into your weekly list of tasks to accomplish. Need to get the grocery shopping done? Make a game of it with your partner. Paying the monthly bills? See how flirtatious you can be with each other while writing out those checks. Your happiness individually and as a couple doesn’t consist of not having bad experiences, is about constantly generating good experiences. Remember the all-important ratio of positive to negative experiences during non conflict interactions: 20 positive experiences for every negative one. Play is also how we do that. None of us wants to end up on the wrong side of the divorce statistics, and as Stuart Brown says, when you “take play out of the mix, a relationship becomes a survival endurance contest.” Doesn’t sound very romantic, does it? Playfulness is as necessary a quality as fidelity to keep your relationship vital and thriving.

Yikes. This was the part that was really speaking to me, or rather, at me. I found everything in this book important, but this was the thing in particular that I knew I needed to make a priority. This is the most important part, and the part where I was coming up short. Thankfully for me, there were, as I mentioned, pages and pages of ideas for play.

I don’t remember what I liked to do as a kid. I don’t remember a lot of my life. So everything I’m doing, I’m creating from scratch. That’s an equally scary and exciting feeling. It’s scary, because I have no idea what I like to do. But it’s so exciting, because I can be literally anyone I want to be.

I feel a lot of guilt over this area, and when I get that chance to rectify it, that’s going to be my priority. I’m going to put myself out of my comfort zone to create play that will not only help me figure out who I am, but help my relationship evolve.

Honestly, I wish I had found this book sooner. But it is never too late. Everything comes at just the right time, I trust in that.

Amazing things happen in relationships when a couple can grow and change and accommodate the growth of the other person. The sum is greater than the parts, and relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together – they can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning in the world.

This is the kind of relationship that I want. Something transformative, not just two people coming together. I want a great contribution and meaning in the world, I want something that’s going to change and grow and evolve and continue to be different. Change is the only constant that we have in life. We either fight against it, or we lean into it. I intend to fully lean into it.

The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different. Life can be a struggle. Relationships can be a struggle. You create meaning when you meet each inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through the adversity. When you create meaning out of the struggle, you stay together.

I feel like this resonated with me a lot. I like differences, I like having our own things. But I also like benefiting from the ways we’re different. I’ve been able to try so many new things, and have these new experiences, and I know that she has too. We sometimes just lose sight of that.

But creating meaning from the struggle, is how people stay together. We’re not struggling for no reason other than life just wants to make things difficult. That’s not accurate. We’re struggling because parts of ourselves come up in relationships that are progressing, and we’re forced to take a deep look at ourselves in order to evolve. So the question is, will you rise to the challenge and evolve? Or are you going to cut clean, right when the horizon is in view.

I want to follow the horizon and push through, growing, learning, and evolving as a human. Cause the most evolution that we can do is within a partnership, not just individually. Because within a partnership, you realize things about yourself that maybe you didn’t notice before, because someone wasn’t there to see it.

That, in itself, has immense value.

---

It’s late, I’m writing this outside where the temperature has dropped. Yeah, I’m bundled up, but the cold is getting to me. I’m tired, even though I know I wont sleep again tonight. But at least my words are out here in the void. It’s weird to be so open and vulnerable. But it truly does help me work through my thoughts and my processes, so whoever you are, maybe it’ll help you too.

There is one person I particularly wanted to address, because I know you’re probably reading this. At least, I hope you are. Everything is achievable. Sometimes all it takes is to start over. My final little message to you is this: ad astra, per aspera.