There are a number of things in my brain, swirling round and round, not giving me any peace. I don’t expect to find peace at this time. But I do intend to reflect.

It’s important to connect the so-called temptation with its actual effects. Once you understand that indulging might actually be worse than resisting, the urge begins to lose its appeal. In this way, self control becomes the real pleasure, and the temptation becomes the regret.

Over the last few months, my life has circulated around the topic of addiction. My own addiction, to be precise. There were so many excuses that I gave myself over the years. How could I say no? Everyone was doing it, they were my friends, surely then it wasn’t so bad if I did it too. I fell in with a bad crowd. Or even, We did this to each other. This was what we did, and so this person shares some of the blame for how I ended up.

Those were the lies I had fed myself for a long time. I considered myself a victim of other people’s actions, and did not want to accept that I had a hand in my own demise. I walked into this with my eyes open, and I overindulged fully aware I was overindulging.

After a while, I began to think about it. And I mean, really think about it. I vaped and smoked for over ten years. I drank heavily for about four, then toned it down but still drank more than the “regular” amount. But who was the one who did that to me? Did someone else force my mouth open and pour the alcohol in? Did someone else tape the cigarette or the vape to my lips and forced me to inhale? Or, did I open my hand to receive the drink, and did I put the cigarette or the vape to my own lips, and inhaled over and over?

I was not the victim. Sure, perhaps my surroundings played a part, and my emotional state was involved. But I couldn’t avoid the blame. I did this to myself. It didn’t matter what other people were doing to me, I was abusing myself too. I had to take a long look in the mirror. I was responsible for my own wellbeing, and I was responsible for what I was doing to myself.

No one was coming to save me. No one, beyond ourselves, has the power to save us. Believe me, no matter what anyone else does, if you don’t want to be saved, you will make sure you’re not saved.

I had to truly understand that the only person capable of saving me was myself. And I had decided that for once in my life, I wanted to start to choose me. So I did it the first way I knew how.

One day, I decided to quit vaping and smoking. I had committed the act earlier in the day, and it made me feel awful and gross, and I sat there, thinking, Why do I do this? I don’t even want to do it anymore. Then, I just stopped. Over ten years and maybe four or five failed attempts at quitting, and I just stopped. I put everything in a drawer, and sat with the terrible feelings of withdrawal for weeks. I carried it with me in my bag, because I had anxiety being away from it, but I never pulled it out. No matter how many times my brain tried to reason with me.

Eventually, the cravings subsided, and I no longer felt compelled to smoke. And that decision, that determination and resolve to quit was one of the hardest things I did. Even though it was difficult to resist, resisting did give me the greater pleasure. I felt so much better about myself when I stuck to my decision. It took courage, and it paid off.

It’s been a few years, and truly, I haven’t thought of going back. I have no desire to walk that road again, and I am so proud of myself for it. I got myself into it with my own two hands, and I pulled myself out of it with my own two hands. Surely, if I can kick one of the biggest addictions in the world, I could handle anything else that came my way.

In fact, it was about time I started on my other addiction. I had it in my sights.

The little compulsions and drives we have not only chip away at our freedom and sovereignty, they cloud our clarity. We’ve lost the freedom to abstain. But you must reclaim the ability to abstain because within it is your clarity and self-control.

Look, I know it is a cliché, but truly, getting myself into philosophy gave me the tools and the courage to save my own life. I was walking dark roads, and I knew that if I did not change something, and change it quickly, I was going to damage my life in a way that would make it so very hard to come back from.

As Socrates had said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” And boy, did I examine mine.

I was an alcoholic. There is no way to sugar coat it, really. For a period of my life, I was drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol every single week, basically every single day. And I refused to acknowledge that it was an issue. Well, maybe I had inklings about it, but no, surely I could not be an alcoholic. I just liked to drink, and I had fun drinking.

Nope. I was very much a functional alcoholic. Thinking back, it actually makes me sick how much I drank during the peak of my alcoholism. By my own power and self resolve, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’ve been able to manage my drinking, and bring myself into a safe place. I’ve created boundaries for myself, ones that I adhere to, because I’m not willing to throw my life away for the sake of old, fermented liquids.

By carrying addictions, you’re simply showing you have no self control, and no higher aim. For someone as prideful as myself, this was embarrassing. I no longer cared how bad things were going to get in my life, I would not be turning to drink to cope anymore. That just wasn’t an option.

Now, each time I stay within my limits, each time I feel the control I have over myself, I feel proud. I battled addiction once and won, what’s another go? There was, and is, no way I’m losing.

I don’t really know how else to put it, other than just a decision made, and a promise kept. I vowed it to myself, and I’m keeping that vow.

Interestingly, successfully resisting temptations from addictions gave me power in other areas of my life, too. I decided to choose me, that it was time I started choosing myself, and a better life for me. I chose my life, and I just have this gut feeling that I’ve changed my life forever because of this.

I’m no longer who I once was. If someone knew me a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, whatever, they do not know me anymore. I am not who I once was. I won’t be walked over, I won’t lay down when faced with adversity. I can do hard things. I have done hard things. Nothing that happened to me, and nothing I did to myself, was going to dictate my life anymore.

You are the one who knows yourself – which is to say, you know how much you are worth in your own estimation, and therefore at what price you sell yourself; because people sell themselves at different rates.

I was selling myself very cheaply. I had been for a very, very long time. I thought I was worth so little, that whatever scraps of life I got was all I deserved. In fact, whenever something terrible happened to me, I figured that’s what I deserved too. Like I was paying for sins I didn’t even remember committing.

I’m worth a lot more than that. And you know what? Sometimes we need our community to remind us of this. It’s only human that we lose sight of that sometimes, and the strength of our community is what pulls us up.

When I’m reminded of how loving, caring, nurturing, funny, and amazing I am, I start to tell myself those things. And you know what? They’re all right. I am all those things, and more.

As soon as you begin to value yourself, and set a higher price for yourself, others are going to see that. You won’t be able to be so easily mistreated, because of the value and worth you know that you have.

I can’t pretend to be an expert. I’m really learning this as I live, but what better way to learn than through action? What better way to live than through sharing my life? If someone can read this, and find some courage, then I have done something good for society.

Over time, I’ve decided to remind myself often of the things that I do well. The things I am capable of, the things that I bring to my friendships, relationships, my family. There are things that I bring that cannot be duplicated. I’m one of one. Maybe that’s ego, but honestly, it’s true. And the more I remind myself of these things, the more true they become.

For what purpose, then, do I make a man my friend? In order to have someone for whom I may die, whom I may follow into exile, against whose death I may stake my own life, and pay the pledge, too.

Ah, Seneca is one of my favorite philosophers. He truly knows how to move you with words. Why do we have friendships? How do we know who our friends are? Well, if you can look at those things, and think, yep, that’s exactly how I feel about them, then congratulations, you have a true friendship.

When you are going through a hardship, it truly takes a village. We are social creatures, we are not meant to spend so much time alone. Community is what fulfills us, and it is up to us to build that community.

My own community is very important to me. I have friends that I’ve had for over a decade, and some I’ve had my whole life, and some that I’ve just recently gained. But in every way, these people are with me through my every step. Through every phase of my life, they are there.

Today, I feel like I have been gutted. I feel like I had open heart surgery, and was awake the entire time. I feel like someone opened up my chest, and keeps poking my heart with a knife, wondering if I will bleed to death first, or if it will be enough to give me a heart attack. Which comes first? It’s like they’re toying with it.

My heart, at the same time, is far from me right now. My heart is south, and my heart is thinking of whether or not it wants to return to myself. How does one cope with that? Your heart is torn from your body, and now debates the value of it. I need my heart. There’s no other way to put it. I need my heart, I cannot be away from it. I cannot live without my heart.

No, I cannot live without my heart. But I will lean heavily on my friends while my life and my heart is in limbo, and they will hold me up. They will keep me going. My mind is always on my heart, and my mind is wondering when my heart will return.

To conclude my current thoughts, I will leave you, dearest reader, with one last quote. I’ve translated it from Ukrainian.

You are my heart. And I cannot live without a heart.