Waking up this morning, everything felt so odd. I woke up early, and felt something akin to peace. What a strange feeling after so many days of turmoil. Peace had evaded me for so long, so consistently, that feeling it return was an odd, foreign feeling.

And yet it returned to me. I woke up, took medication, and went about my routine. It’s not to say that I was not anxious, but instead of circumstance, it was the coffee. For some reason, I knew that to be true.

I had an odd dream last night, maybe it has something to do with my peace today. A new perspective, even. It started weird, because I always have weird dreams. Personally, I call them prophetic, because previous dreams I had came to be true.

But this one was interesting. I dreamt I was pulling strings and splinters from my fingers. They were coming out, there was some blood but not much. I’d pull one out and discard it, then move to the next. After repetition, my hands were clean.

Of course, I wanted to search for meaning of my dream. Pulling things from your fingers symbolizes the need to remove certain parts of your life that are causing you pain. Maybe I’m healing myself, maybe this removal of pain is symbolic for me.

Then, my dream changed. I was seeing a doctor, or maybe I was in a hospital. I was looking at the scale that they weighed me on, and I was severely underweight. I know that in part, this dream came about because I have not had a true meal in days. It’s been hard to stomach anything. But again, I searched for meaning. Emotional exhaustion and a loss of power. How true. I am emotionally exhausted, I do have such a lack of power.

The next thing that I discovered while seeing this doctor in this hospital, was that my heart was not healthy. It was not going to sustain me if I did not change what I was doing in my life. I was losing my life. That was the end of my dreaming that I could remember. This represents high stress, anxiety, repressed emotions, and feelings not being understood (love, desire, affection).

I feel open today. I’ve decided to give up control and let fate be what it is, whatever that means. What is meant for me, will be. Professionally, platonically, and romantically. If I do not choose to do these things, I am sure I will lose sight of what is important in my life.

You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

Today, I’m coming to peace with control regarding outside events. The only thing that I have control over is my thoughts, my reactions, and my feelings. Everything else is beyond me and my power.

I realize that everything that I’m learning about myself, and about relationships and what those should look like, is never going to be a loss. Regardless of how fate turns out, knowledge and learning is never a loss. It just goes to a different occasion, a different person, a different circumstance.

Perhaps right now it’s not working out, and if that’s what is meant to be then so be it. All that means for me is that when I meet my person, when I find someone who prizes loyalty, love, forgiveness, fidelity, among other things, my acquired knowledge of myself and of love and relationships will not go to waste.

Someone will see the value in me and value me to a level that I’ve not experienced before. And through partnership and the commitment to growth, the love created will be for the ages.

Am I willing to settle for someone who does not see those things about me? Does not see who I am becoming? Does not value commitment and fidelity? Should I settle for that in life?

I don’t think that I should. I know that I deserve love, commitment, fidelity, compassion, and someone who chooses me over and over, because they love me. Someone who will do those things and more because what our love means is worth more than the outside world. Someone who knows that no one else can hold a candle to me. Someone who knows that my absence truly is a loss, and that to have me in life and in love is the greatest gift that there is.

The really important thing is not to live, but to live well. And to live well meant, along with more enjoyable things in life, to live according to your principles.

I’ve started the process of creating a personal manifesto/creed. It’s been important to me because I want to make sure that I’m on the right path of life that I want for myself. And that means that I’ve got something to aspire to, something that I’m working toward.

I want to actively love my fate, myself, the fate of my relationships whether those are platonic, romantic, familial, whatever. Actively choosing acceptance and love of fate is going to dictate how I move in the world, how I grow as a human.

What is the point of trying to control that which cannot be controlled? And the key is to identify what it is that can be controlled. You can control your own thoughts, your actions, your beliefs, and everything else about yourself. Even your health, to a point.

What you cannot control is the thoughts of other people, the actions of other people and their beliefs. You cannot control how someone else lives their life, how they choose to move about in the world. You can’t choose your family, you can’t choose what is meant for you and what is not.

So why fight it?

Why disturb your peace and your wellbeing fighting things that can’t be changed? There truly is no point in that. You can influence, yes, but you can’t choose the outcomes. Those you have no hand in whatsoever.

So, live according to your principles. I will live according to mine. That is to love, have courage, self-control, discipline, self-knowledge, and engage in justice. The six pillars of who I am and who I want to keep becoming.

We do what we can, and these things are so hard for us as humans to grasp with, but that’s why they’re so important to learn. If I learn these things, I know that life will be more fulfilling to me. I will be happier, healthier, and more at peace with myself.

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I know that I am a great person. I know that I hold so much love in me, so much devotion, and someone is going to gain the benefits of me at my very best. While I become who I am, someone is going to be lucky enough to love me and receive my love in return.

Someone with a beautiful soul, steadfast principles and virtues. Someone who wants love to work, who wants a great love and is willing to work and dedicate time and effort to achieve those things.

I can’t settle for anything less in this life, because this is what I deserve. I deserve someone who chooses me when things aren’t going well and when things are fantastic. Someone who chooses me in every season of my life. Someone who won’t see my quirks as irritating, but will just find them amusing, and look at it like that’s so her.

I look forward to this love, wherever and whoever it comes from. I can’t wait to have someone who does these things, and who is these things and more. While I say I can’t wait, what I mean is excitement, but I will wait. I will wait to find the right person, my person. It’s no accident that people are brought into your life, and every single person gets you one step closer to the person.

Some time ago, I made a promise to myself to be better. I want to be a better person for everyone in my life, including and most importantly myself. It’s a promise I’ve kept as I’ve seen myself grow in ways that my younger self probably wouldn’t have believed possible. I’ve survived so many things, so many tragedies and traumas that my younger self wouldn’t even recognize who I am. In fact, if she and I met today, she’d probably want to start a fight with me for no reason. I laugh at that now. And I’m so proud of myself. I am going to be okay, I’m going to be great.

My era of prosperity is arriving.